Tales From the Crib

Welcome!

2025-12-30T20:15:00.000-06:00

"There is most certainly a conspiracy afoot to hide the whole truth from potential new mothers. Were it not for this organized campaign, our species would run the very serious risk of losing all evolutionary viability. The Le Leche League may or may not be involved." -Government’s Investigative Committee on Parenting

#1. I LOVE MY BABY.

#2. WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

Sweet, nourishing milak. Give it me now.

[Click here for Blog Mission Statement]

[Click here for Blog Disclaimers]

This is how we spend our snow days....

2011-02-01T08:38:00.003-06:00

Fireman Nathaniel

2010-10-19T11:53:00.003-05:00

Just another day of saving lives and being a hero....

CRISIS MANAGEMENT: Tub Drain

2010-08-08T09:02:00.003-05:00

Our tub has had no cover on the drain for a few years. To unclog it one we had had to break out the old one and my x-husband tried two different new ones that didn't fit. The project died there and went no further. I got a cheap little cover at walmart, caulked it in, and just replaced it periodically. It was not a good system, although it was better than nothing.

This was one of the first home repair challenges I took on once finding myself single. I started by examining the drains my husband had purchased (he'd never returned them so they were still around - yes, that's me being bitter). I fiddled with the one that looked like the best candidate and eventually tried to install it. It seemed to fit the threads of the tub, but soon grew too hard to turn further. So I created this handy tool out of some pliers and a wrench in order to apply more leverage....

After great effort the truth became clear. The shaft was too long. It simply couldn't be screwed in any further. Next step was visiting our wonderful local plumbing supply store. I walked in with the original one that we'd broken out and one that almost worked, while towing my then three year old along with me. As I tried to look through the shelves for the right thing, Nathaniel was making a ruckus trying to run around and look at all the neat stuff in the store while I struggled to curb him in and still get done what I needed. After some time of this, the owners peeked down the aisle at us and I was grateful to see not looks of total irritation on their faces but broad smiles. The woman walked up to me and instantly started trying to help me quickly find the right part.

Once we realized they didn't have it, she turned my old broken drain cover over to the man there and with a little tinkering he actually fixed it so that it could be used again! My total cost was under $3.00!! Finally having a real drain in the tub again was one of the most sublime feelings, made only more so because of the personal feeling of satisfaction at having accomplished it.

I think that the moral here is first to just TRY and to be patient and persistent about your task. Secondly, do not be afraid to admit that you need help at the store. Oh, and if you find yourself in this position, take the parts you're working on WITH YOU!

Independence Day!

2010-07-04T21:53:00.003-05:00

Interesting lesson learned today. It's fourth of July and I really didn't feel like going anywhere this year, but felt too guilty about depriving my child of a potential "experience" to give in to my laziness. I know Nathaniel doesn't like loud noises, but I tried to reassure him when he said he didn't want to go to the fireworks display. I felt certain he'd love it once he was out there. From my superior adult vantage I thought I knew better than he did what he'd like. And then, too, there was such a feeling of relief at the thought of being able to legitimately stay home for the evening, it made me even more determined that we should go.

Anyone could guess where this is going. The thirty minutes we were out there he never took his hands off his ears as people set off their own little sparklers and bottle rockets across the field. Even when he was happy and playing with one of his friends for a brief time, the hands did not come down. Finally, he begged me to go back to the car where he insisted on staying with all the doors and windows closed. I sat in there with him as he colored in the back seat and suddenly he said to me, "Why are we not at home? I told you I didn't want to go to see fireworks."

He DID tell me, more than once. I underestimated his ability to "fully understand" the situation and vetoed him. But, he does know what he likes and what he doesn't and I'll save us both a lot of grief if I listen to him rather than trying to manipulate his childhood experience with an eye on maximizing future nostalgic moments!

At this point now.

2010-06-30T21:48:00.003-05:00

Last May 2nd marked one year since my husband moved out. A month after the divorce was signed by the judge in March, he was all ready remarried and his new wife several months pregnant, and I will only spend one half of my child's Christmas's with him. All of that alone is enough to make my head spin, let alone the changes, learning experiences and emotions I've encountered each day of this last year. Which brings me to my point: what this blog feels like to me now.

It began, and remains, a place to chuckle and wonder over the challenges of being a new parent. Now, though, it is also a venue to explore and report on the ups and down of being a single mom. Surprisingly, there are a lot of ups. First and foremost, I had no idea how much I was capable of until I was thrown into this "pack leader" position. I'd been single before and had my own bills to pay, etc, but I'd not had a child depending on me, and a 100 year old house. and a mortgage, and no time. Ha, this is starting to sound like the down part! But it's not. It's hard to explain it without wanting to lean on cliche. I liken it sort of to having an awesome and expensive tool in your toolbox but never using it so you never even know if it works or if it was worth all that money. I feel like I've been taken out of the toolbox and put to use for the first time. A year ago, I didn't even realize that I was still in my original packaging, never yet unwrapped.

As much as I originally meant this blog as a way to update all my friends and family, I also imagined that perhaps, occasionally, some random new parent might happen to stumble upon it and that they might feel a comradarie in knowing that there are other moms and dads out there who are willing to admit they don't really know what they're doing! Now, I want to add in my mind that random single mom wandering across the page. I want to reassure her and tell her "take heart because you WILL kick ass."

I bring it on myself, I know.

2010-05-24T21:27:00.004-05:00

So, last night I could not get him to stay in bed. I tried sitting in a chair in the room doing the trick of picking him up and putting him back into bed each time he got up, while also trying to resist getting into conversation with him or giving him any kind of "rewarding" attention. He twisted and sobbed on the bed, telling me he was scared and needed me in the bed with him.

I pondered over this today, wondering if my own weakness of wanting him to sleep with me was directly leading to this fear and inability to sleep alone. And perhaps so! But then tonight, out of the blue, he decides he wants to sleep downstairs all by himself as long as I leave a light on and turn on some music for him. He came up here once to ask me to sleep with him downstairs and when I said no, he went on back by himself.

Maybe he just couldn't bare to leave the room that held his new Lego Indiana Jones PS2 game. Buying that today was my brilliant inspiration on the way home from the dentist with a prescription for penicillin and lortab...I had a feeling I wasn't going to want to do much this evening! My plan worked purrrfectly and it's a two player game so I was able to lay on the couch and play with him, which is fun for both of us.

Sloppy bedtime rules

2010-05-16T10:27:00.003-05:00

I'm contemplating changing our nighttime story reading routine. Instead of crawling into bed together, perhaps we could shift to doing it downstairs on the couch or in the big chair in the bedroom. Maybe I'll stop falling asleep at 8:00 PM that way.

Bedtime rules are all over the place right now. Particularly after the time change this year and there being daylight later.

Further, because I have no rules established, I can't easily send him to bed when company is over. On these nights, I'm completely ineffectual, allowing him to stay up until 10:00 PM or whenever he just conks out.

Okay, so I have to pick a time. And that time will begin with reading some stories NOT IN THE BED. And then I'll leave and the rule will be he has to stay in the bedroom. I'll start there. That will be enough of an epic battle to begin with.

Rites of Spring 2010

2010-05-15T21:34:00.014-05:00

Nathaniel and I joined our god-family the Milams at the annual Rites of Spring camp out. Here are some pics...

They all look a little spooky in this one, but I swear they were not really so "children of the corn" as this image may lead one to believe...

He looks like an old 40's Hollywood man in this one to me...

My little monkey in the tent...

Ah, the glorious feeling of MUD!!!

Oh, Poopie, daaarling......

2010-05-10T20:34:00.007-05:00

I fear this will bite me in the butt. Oops. I forgot. We say "tooshie" or "bootie" because apparently toddler boys throw the word butt around with the inflection of the coarsest sailor. Sad, because I've previously used butt as an endearing term of affection. "You silly butt, Oh look at your cute little butt, Get your butt out of my way," and well, I think my point is made.

Now, I don't dare say the butt word in front of Nathaniel for fear he'll go into preschool the next day challenging his little friends with such taunts as "stupid butt" and "smelly butt."

Oh, yeah, and speaking of "stupid," let me digress. Our household had to instate a rule with subclauses regarding that one. He can call objects stupid but not people or animals or anything remotely sentient. I, of course, use the word stupid to describe people all the time (even myself). But, I'd like to think my advanced age has given me the grace and maturity to know how to handle such a powerful adjective. Mostly, though, I just don't want him horrifying his teachers at school. That's what 85% of the language rules come down to. Do NOT say anything that will make your teachers frown upon you and and, by extension, ME!

So, you might sympathize with me this evening. I was tired and a little cranky, but my kid soon softened me up by being adorable. We were having fun playing and, in that vulnerable and compromised state, I allowed a new game to be introduced between us. He calls me Poopie and I call him PeePee. Oh, yes, yes....it was hysterical and we both laughed and laughed...yes, good times....

Until reality hit me and I was all ready seeing him clearly at school the next day. "Poopie! You're Poopie! Heeheehee. Poopie Poopie PeePee. You're PeePee."

Reacting swiftly, I sat my son down and had the very surreal conversation with him about the "you're PeePee and I'm Poopie" being our private game that we only play at home. Which seems potentially a little creepy or weird.

The Gentleman Prefers Blonds

2010-04-13T20:02:00.001-05:00

Me: Do you think I'm pretty?

Him: Yes.

Me: Is there anyone prettier than me?

Him: Kendra.

Me: Is there anyone prettier than Kendra?

Him: Jacob!

Me: Jacob!?

Him: No, I'm just kidding.

Me: So Kendra is the prettiest, but I'm next prettiest, right?

Him: Yes. Who else is pretty?

Me: I don't know. That's for you to say. You tell me.

Him: Audrey's mom.

Me: I'm going to tell Kendra you said she's pretty.

Him: Tell Audrey's mom too.

Sweet Moment

2010-04-09T15:44:00.003-05:00

Walking towards the car at school. Nathaniel stops and says, "I broke your red flower and I am so very sorry."
.
I kneel down and ask him what he's talking about, had he made me a flower at school or something, what red flower did he mean?
.
"No," he said. "I picked it from the garden on the playground but then I broke it on the trike."
.
I gave him a hug and said, "Oh, honey, I love it that you thought of me today and picked me a flower and you know what? That's just as good as if you gave it to me. It doesn't matter that it broke."
.
He paused and thought for a moment, then walked over to a dandelion, picked it and handed it to me.
.
Warms a mommy's heart.

Birthday Yoda

2010-03-12T11:10:00.005-06:00

When Nathaniel turned 4 in March I gave him a Yoda for his Birthday. The Jedi Master is enjoying total Rock Star status. I've all ready been forbidden to speak in any way disrespectfully to the Yoda. For example, last night I had the audacity to say "Yoda, could you please move over so that I can get into bed too?" Apparently, I was pretty much completely out of line.

A video of their first meeting can be found below....

The Dog Whisperer

2010-01-02T11:11:00.007-06:00

Recently, I immersed myself in Season Two of the Dog Whisperer on DVD. It was another recommendation from my Pediatrician, who suggested that Cesar Millan's insights into dog behavior could often be carried over to raising your child. It did not take me many episodes to become a devoted fan of Millan. First and foremost is his manner. Rather than try to describe it, I direct the reader to this link where Malcom Gladwell does a far better job than I ever could. I'll just say that Cesar Millan projects something that is so engaging and reassuring that it is impossible not to be as charmed by him as the chaotic canines he encounters seem to be.

Pondering his lessons over the holidays, I came to one main revelation about my own life: I need to become my family's pack leader. Millan suggests that the behavior of your pack is the best reflection of your own stability. If you are out of balance, so too will be your pack and they will express it any number of neurotic and/or aggressive ways. Leeloo, the actual canine member of my pack, has long been a difficult dog and in recent years I've come to just let her do her own thing and lead a life separate from ours in a lot of ways. And then there is Nathaniel, who acts out in various ways as we recreate our lives since his father's departure. Suddenly, the connection between dog and child seem so obvious. So long as I'm out of balance, Nathaniel (my "pack") is going to reflect it. How Nathaniel deals with these changes we're going through is invariably linked to how I am responding to these changes.

It has become so clear to me how fully I must embrace the role of Pack Leader, from how I relate to my dog and and to my child, to being the one to see that the plumbing is working and there's food in the house. My first step on this path has been trying to redefine my relationship with Leeloo during this past week. Establishing myself in the alpha position above her has become symbolic to me of the entire process. If I can't succeed there, how can I succeed overall?

The whole task looming before me could be intimidating, but there is something comforting in understanding just how much is required of you, even if it's a lot. And even as I type this, Leeloo has come over to my chair and laid herself at my feet, a Jack London picture of loyalty. Pack Leader. I can do this.

Polar Express

2009-12-06T21:22:00.004-06:00

Another good piece of advice from Doctor Youngblood was a warning about trying to avoid living "parallel" lives with Nathaniel. He pointed out how under even normal circumstances that happens so easily....you're doing your thing while he's off playing with his cars or watching a show....but add to that suddenly becoming a single mom and you really have to start watching it.

There's so much to do. How can I do it all and still be spending time enough truly WITH my child?

One suggestion Youngblood had was to incorporate Nathaniel into what it is I am doing. Let him help make dinner, set the table, etc. This also ties into his advice to get Nathaniel to bed a normal hour because that way some of these things I feel I need to get done I can do after he's down for the night.

I still catch myself all the time falling into that parallel existence, but more and more I try to be conscious of it enough to bring our paths back together. Tonight was an example. I put on Polar Express for him to watch. Having seen it already myself, I had planned to stick a Romantic Comedy into my laptop, put on some headphones, and sit with him on the couch while he watched his movie and me mine. Well, it didn't take five minutes for me to realize I couldn't do that. He was so taken with that movie, he talked and made observations about it all the way through. So I quickly set my headphones aside, relaxed, and turned myself over to the Polar Express. And, as it turned out, it was well worth a second viewing, particularly when shared with someone seeing it for the first time. Then it's magic.

Nighty night

2009-10-26T21:50:00.002-05:00

Update on the bedtime rituals since seeing Dr. Youngblood. Tonight, we started reading an hour earlier than usual. Thankfully it gets dark earlier because you can't put anything over on that kid. If he looks out the window and see it's not "nighttime," he's not buying into your game. This night was rougher as he threw a very long fit and would not stay in bed. I tried a little of that technique of just kindly but silently returning them to bed over and over and over......Then I switched to something Dr. Youngblood told me about "lending them your calmness." I sat in bed with him and held him very tightly, "constraining" him really, as I tried to help him just get past his hysterics and pull himself together...AND stay in bed. It was not an easy battle. But, I DID get downstairs by 8:45 PM and was able to tidy my kitchen and then even spend a little quality time with my dog. Slowly, I'm learning to get some of my own life back and at the same time working to be completely present when he and I ARE together.

Maybe next year...

2009-10-25T21:45:00.002-05:00

I failed with my gardening plans this year. I was going to experiment with "rock mulching" gardening and try to grow just spinach and scallions....two good shade plants since I have plenty of that. However, events conspired against me (I can blame it on that although laziness might have been more at the root) and last week I tore down even the feeble remains of Matthew's hillbilly herb garden he'd begun before leaving. Leeloo had already taken the space and used it to store the numerous dirty diapers she steals from the pail when I'm not watching. She rolls around in the diapers in Matthew's neglected garden like a mobster moll rolling around on a bed covered in 100 dollar bills. Then she eats them.

Put that kid to bed!

2009-10-21T21:34:00.003-05:00

I recently spoke with Nathaniel's original Pediatrician from the hospital about how things are going since our family split up. It was such a great conversation and full of so many things that I don't know where to begin. It may take several posts as I process the information and apply some of his suggestions and insights.

I think to start with I'll explain how it is that I have this quiet moment to actually sit down and blog.

The Doctor wanted to know if Nathaniel slept well through the night . I assured him we didn't have any problems on that front, but then I happened to just jokingly add that things have really changed from the old days when Nathaniel would always get up WAY earlier than I wanted to and make me wake me up. Now, I'm the first one up and I have to harass him into getting out of bed. Dr. Youngblood nailed me on that immediately. "He's going to bed too late!"

He reminded me that kids need a lot of sleep and that I too would benefit by having that time alone in the evening after he goes to bed to do some things for myself.

And so here I am enjoying the multi-tasking thrill of simultaneously facebooking, gmailing, blogging and skyping :)

Pediculus humanus capitis

2009-10-19T21:30:00.001-05:00

There is such a stigma attached to this affliction, but you find you have to quickly get over it once your three year old starts spending more time out in the world. The temptation to point a finger elsewhere is also very strong. Ohhhh, yes, he must have got it from that neighbor kid…
-
And, of course, if Nathaniel has passed it on to anyone else, then he, too, is now "that neighbor kid."
-
So, logically, you have to just let that kind of thinking go, buck up, and try not to take it personally when your kid is infested with lice. Getting it under control has been difficult this week in part, I think, because he now lives in two households and until we all got on the same page and coordinated our efforts, we might as well have been inviting the lice in for tea and crumpets. Actually, I'm not even 95% sure we're through this yet so knock on wood.
-
On the bright side, our current ordeal inspired me to finally purchase electric hair clippers which will save money on future haircuts. The second day he was sent home for having lice, I cut it down to 3/8 inch. The THIRD day, it went down to 1/8. It's pretty challenging to cut hair that short and get it even. It's getting cold, though. I can slap a hat on his head.

Personal Landscaping

2009-10-07T20:30:00.004-05:00

I heard on Cosmo Radio that it was important to men that a woman be "well groomed"....like as in, well, you know....a little "landscaping," so to speak. My interest piqued, I applied more effort to these ends and it did, indeed, elicit a definite interest from my husband. Okay, maybe not enough, since he moved out of the house within the month, but hey....

Now I'm a single mom.

Now I find myself left with the questionable experience of being a girly girl, pampering myself, soaking in a bath, thoroughly grooming myself, not for a man, but because I have a gynecological appointment in the morning!! Is that sad or funny? I am not sure. Think I'll go with funny....

Tide Coldwater

2009-08-14T22:48:00.002-05:00

After reading a consumer reports article regarding laundry soap, I decided to stop buying the "cheap brand." I would always look longlingly at the Tide every time I went to the store and discovered, in Consumer Reports' data, that Tide Coldwater formula would only cost me 6 cents more per load to use. I decided this was an acceptable "splurge," particularly since I do 99% of my laundry in cold water.

Sadly, it ended up costing me $4.00 a load when Nathaniel decided to pour the ENTIRE bottle of Tide detergent into the laundry machine after I'd only gotten to use it about three times. It's just so unjust.

Where's Daddy Bear?

2009-08-12T21:46:00.002-05:00

Nathaniel went through an interesting stage with his beloved Daddy Bear. Daddy Bear went missing for about a week and I was in a panic. It's his number one special stuffed animal. I kept looking for him and tried to not mention his name so as not to remind Nathaniel of his existence and consequentially kick off some major freak out about his disappearance.

Then, one evening, I was walking out of our bedroom and glanced over at the bookshelf by the door. There was Daddy Bear stuffed behind of display of cars. I realized then that Nathaniel had hidden him away for what reason I do not know. I can only imagine it has something to do with mine and Matthew's separation.

I left Daddy Bear there and after a couple of weeks, Nathaniel went and got him out again...obviously he'd known where the bear was the whole time. It was interesting.....

Unsolved Mysteries

2009-08-12T21:08:00.004-05:00

It is generally accepted that girls use way more TP than boys. If so, then why does my bathroom tissue last forever now that my hubbie's moved out of the house?

Some time ago, I bought ten adorable juice glasses at Target. I now have two left, although I never saw or heard of any of them being broken or lost. What did he do with all of my juice glasses over the years?

I would think that the toddler in the house would create the most trash. However, since splitting with my husband, our household trash output is less than half what it was.

A roll of paper towels lasts me two weeks or more. We used to go through two in a week. What was he using all those paper towels on?

Bad Hair Day

2009-07-22T15:28:00.002-05:00

I wish I'd taken a picture of the bad haircut I gave Nathaniel the other day. It didn't even fall into the "so bad it's cute" catagory. He looked like a 30 year old man from 1970. I ended up by taking him that same day to get his hair buzzed.In lieu of a picture, I have recreated what his hair looked like after I was done.....

My future indie rocker

2009-07-20T10:26:00.002-05:00

glimpse into my day

2009-07-08T22:22:00.004-05:00

Halfway through the morning, my co-worker untucked my shirt collar where it was massively folded and crumpled under. How many patrons did I serve looking like that? Then tonight, as I climbed into bed, I noticed I had put my underwear on inside out this morning.

Mmm, life as a single mom. Priceless.

Independence Day

2009-07-04T23:25:00.004-05:00

I hadn't planned on taking Nathaniel to any fireworks display tonight. I didn't think he'd notice or care, or even know what a firework was. Halfway through Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, a friend called to encourage me to go out to see the fireworks. I asked Nathaniel if he wanted to and was surprised how eagerly he said yes and then how he went on to warn me that they would be loud and scary. Where does he learn this stuff?

It was fun and I'm so glad we went. I've never really struck out on my own to do things like that...too shy, too self conscious. How will I know where to park when I get there? What should my posture look like when I'm standing around? What if people look at me? While Lexapro helps with much of this, there are still times when I am reluctant to try something new and that's where Nathaniel comes in.

It was such a cool feeling just the simple act of pulling my car out at the end of the night, joining lines of other cars driving over the grass field down to the highway and then a long, long line of us heading back to town. It felt "grown up," while at the same time feeling nostalgic...a hundred half remembered nights driving home in the back seat from some event, windows open, summer.

All these small rites of passage from child to adult that I'm only now beginning at 42. What an odd and interesting experience.

Frontline

2009-06-30T22:31:00.001-05:00

Leeloo caught fleas the last time she was at the vet's. I can hear her even now, wimpering a little as she tries to scratch her itches. Earlier in the day, I vowed to go on line tonight and buy her a batch of Frontline...budget be damned. And then, oh the simple yet much appreciated gifts from the cosmos, I found half a dozen treatments of the stuff in her doggy supply box left over from some previous time I'd used it. These are the victories I measure.

The bra

2009-06-29T22:26:00.001-05:00

One good consequence of having hubbie move out is that I now get the occasional opportunity to go shopping ALONE while he has Nathaniel. I reveled in wandering down the aisles of Walmart a few days ago, dawdling here and there. Chance brought me to the Ladies Department and I celebrated my newfound shopping freedom by trying on a pile of braziers. I wear only granny bras. It is my plight in life. Not only am I a full cup size different on each side, I have absolutely no natural "lift." Push-up bras look hideous on me, creating not rounded valleys of tempting flesh, but an unappetizing décolletage of jiggling jello.

I was delighted to find a $9.00 that fit nicely and was a little more tailored than my usual. I chose one in black and, on mad impulse, a second one in an animal print. I hesitated, wondering if that was really "me." And then I shoved it into the cart thinking "it COULD be me, I could be that person."

Still, it nagged at me. Finally, I felt compelled to show it to a friend. "It's animal print," I confessed sheepishly. "I don't know what exactly, leopard or tortoise shell maybe." She looked at it and then looked at me with pity. "It giraffe print."

I returned the bra.

Night Time Trials of an Abandoned Woman

2009-05-23T22:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, this latest experience tops the one I had in the middle of the night during the last rain storm when the door that leads to the outside had blown open and it was actually raining ON me in my BED. I stumbled out of my dank blankets, across the wet floor to reach Nathaniel who was standing up in his bed, intermittently illuminated in the great shocks of lightening, crying "Mommy, I want to sleep in your bed! I want to sleep in your bed!" It was all pretty dramatic, yet has been topped now by just the absurd discomfort and horror endured as I awoke in the wee hours of dawn to a bed full of macaroni and cheese, spilled juice and blood from baby's nocturnal nose bleed.

The Child Catcher

2009-05-11T21:35:00.007-05:00

During this first week of my husband's and my separation, Nathaniel and I have now watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang about 14 times. My three year old now knows it so well that we can play out the menacing Child Catcher scene together. When I'm The Child Catcher, I skip around the house in my best imitation of Robert Helpmann in the movie, brandishing lollipops in my hand.

"Children!" I croon evilly. "Lollipops and candy! And all free today!"

Nathaniel has interpreted the character of The Child Catcher a little differently. First of all, he calls him Fuzzy Wuzzy. He doesn't find him at all scary. When he plays "Fuzzy Wuzzy," He creeps around the house calling "Children, children," but then when he finds me he simply offers me a lollipop and then merrily says "Goodbye!" before going off somewhere to eat the rest of the candy by himself.

I can't say my take on the character is "better" than his. I mean, we just have different artistic visions, no doubt equally valid. It's like William Makepeace Thackeray developing Becky Sharp as a very flawed - and often unpleasant - character in Vanity Fair, but Focus Films totally changing her into a honest, plucky and charmingly irrepressible heroine for the 2004 movie.

Koko's Kitten

2009-01-25T18:02:00.003-06:00

What a mean thing I inadverntantly did today. We were all getting into the car for a family drive when Nathaniel insisted on getting into Daddy's car instead of mine. When I told him to get his butt into my car only laughed maniacally. "Fine," I called. "We're going in Mommy's car. See you later!" and with a merry wave, I started my engine.

Oh, the look of horror on his face. He immediately came tearing out of the back seat yelling "No! You no leave! I scared." Then, as Daddy scooped him up and tucked him into the carseat in my car, he looked at me seriously and added "I sad." Speech patterns much like a verbal form of gorilla sign language. "Good hurry you. Candy give. Koko love kitten." Simple but completely eviscerating in getting the point across.

Could I have felt like a bigger piece of sh*t? Here you go, kid. Your very own abandoment issue. No need to thank me.

2009-01-18T09:02:00.002-06:00

I love Nathaniel in the morning. He always wakes up smiling and speaking with a sing song kind of lilt in his voice. "Good morning," he says over and over, grinning. So different from the little demon he becomes when his 8 PM bedtime approaches.

In the best case scenario, we retire together to read some books and he falls asleep before we're done. I should say that that is what's best for me. Popular wisdom would say, and no doubt be right, that it would be better for his sake if I allowed him to learn how to put himself to sleep. In anycase, this scenario is a pleasant one and how it goes a third of the time.

Another third of the time, we read the books but he does not fall asleep. Then, I either put up the baby gate and leave him to his own devices or I fall asleep myself, dimly aware of him roaming around the room, scattering toys, getting into my nightstand, breaking Daddy's alarm clock....

The final third of the time represents the true ying-yang, bi-polar, biorythmic extremes he can progress through between waking up and going to sleep. A day that begins with his sweet little smiles can turn, by 8 o'clock, into a nightmare of angry outbursts and irrational, contradictory demands. "I want my bike!" Okay, here's your bike. "NOOOO!!!! Don't touch it!!!"

On my Birthday last week, this process was succinctly exemplified. That morning when he very first woke up I said to him, "It's Mommy's birthday today." He was so cute. "You're birthday coming today?" he kept saying in response. Flash forward to that night. "Hey, it was Mommy's birthday today." "NOOOOO!!!!! It's NOT your birthday today! It's NOT your birthday!"

More on the family bed...

2009-01-16T14:22:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes working parents permit (or even promote) the family bed as a way of compensating for inadequate time spent with their child during the day. Then feeling less guilty because they have nighttime togetherness, they make less of an effort to try to make time for daytime togetherness." (What to Expect…The Toddler Years)

In the list of "possible negative side effects" of sleeping en famille, this was the only one in the "What to Expect…" book that struck a surprising cord. While not intentionally replacing time spent together during the day with that at night, I recognize that I sometimes do feel like letting him sleep in our bed is an opportunity to spend a little more time with him. Add to that the calm, cute cuddliness of a toddler asleep versus a cranky toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of the Dollar Store and suddenly these nocturnal visits seem like an opportunity for some real quality time. In any case, I think the warning to not feel so satisfied with spending time asleep together that you find it easier to ignore your kid the next day is one worth contemplating.

Webcam

2009-01-16T09:35:00.000-06:00

Strange Buffet

2009-01-08T14:02:00.000-06:00

On the road to Texas for the holidays, we stopped for lunch at a Chinese buffet. The loud conversaton going on at the next table was half amusing, half irritating. A woman and her husband were telling another couple about their daughter-in-law. “That woman he chose to marry is absolutely horrible! " spat the mother-in-law. "He did NOT choose well. She is the WORST." So began a long saga which continued even as we finished our own lunches and left, and even after the mother-in-law declared “Oh, but we shouldn’t ruin our lunch talking on and on about her. We should talk about something else.”

Here are some exciting highlights. Please insert hateful and pious tones where they seem necessary.

~She is so cheap. She was walking around like “la la la” when we were getting our family portraits done and she never even offered to help pay for it.

~"My son never goes to church anymore because SHE's not into it."

~"She didn't even help with our anniversary party. My daughters did everything. All she did is bring a green bean casserole."

~She filed a lien against my car! I have NEVER been so humiliated in my life. At the court house, they were like "who filed the lien? She's your daughter-in-law?!" I cold tell she was really embarrassed and she just goes "That's what they told me I had to do at the bank…" Well, after that I went ahead and paid $500 and a couple months later $500 more for that car . I haven't spoken a word to her since.

~She never says thank you. For my son's birthday I gave him a Christian book and HE was, like, " Wow, I really appreciate you and dad."

~Oh, look here. This is my Baptist Grace pen. It's my favorite pen.

~She sure holds a grudge. I'm like, hey, get over it all ready! So what if I said something "mean" to her years ago. I can't help it that I'm Christian and I think it's a sin to live together before you get married.

As we stood up to leave, I fantasized about walking up to their table on the way out and saying, "I can tell you why she doesn't help pay for your family portrait or help out with your anniversary parties. It's because SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU!"

Come si, come sa

2008-12-26T14:20:00.001-06:00

At one year’s old, Nathaniel broke himself of the bottle habit. Our only contribution to the process was our lazy inconsistency. Sometimes we’d wash a bottle for him, sometimes we’d give him a sippy cup. The same laissez faire attitude was attached to his pacifier, another habit he broke himself of. I suspect there is no “one right way” for all children, but this “come si, come sa” approach has seemed to work with him. Potty training is moving slowly forward using a similar method…great praise when he uses the potty, but no pressure and no big deal when he doesn’t. “Whatever!”

But, will this lazy parenting style work for eliminating bedtime resistance and “nocturnal visits”? I confess I am a-feared. Consistency is impossible because most nights I love falling asleep with him, or having him snuggle the night through with us. Of course, this leaves me out of luck those times that I need more elbow room or when I want him to go to sleep alone because I have things to do later in the evening.

Sometimes he sleeps all night in his own bed. Can I just wait him out until he “trains himself” to mostly stay in his own bed with just occasional visits to us? Or maybe we should just get a bigger bed…

Baby Christopher Walken

2008-09-28T20:35:00.005-05:00

So Nathaniel woke up this morning and, completely out of nowhere, he was talking like Christopher Walken. He did it all day. This is what I was able to capture on video of it.

To the AFA

2008-07-23T22:01:00.006-05:00

Dear American Family Association, et al:

Please stop wasting your resources boycotting Harry Potter. This suggestion is meant only as a helpful and practical suggestion from a real life mother.

You see, I am not really afraid that my son will grow up and decide to run away to Hogwart's to learn how to be a wizard. What I'm worried about is that my child might come to think that it's funny and appropriate to burp and break wind while eating out at a public dining establishment.

Please start boycotting movies that include characters burping or breaking wind in the guise of humor. That is more likely to negatively impact my child than Hogwart's.

If you really care about family values, then you must agree that manners and politeness are paramount. Do not allow these pornographies of personal functions to continue uncensored. Anything less from you is interpreted by me as complete hypocrisy.

Pineapple epiphany

2008-04-24T15:52:00.003-05:00

I was surprised to discover the baby likes fresh pineapple. Although, it has to be said that this pineapple was exceptionally spectacular. It was the first produce I have ever purchased intentionally because "in season." It makes sense, of course, that a fruit would taste better in season and some say it's even better for you. My problem has always been that I have absolutely no idea what's in season when. Do most people just know this?

Well, I finally got smart and copied a list from the internet. As I prepared my shopping list for this week, I looked at the list and added pineapple. It was amazing how good it was and surely this ripe and juicy sweetness is what won the baby over. Had I tried to feed him pineapple in February, he would probably have attacked me with the pointy crown of the fruit. I am now a total seasonal convert.

Little Nathaniel's "little Nathaniel"

2008-04-17T14:54:00.006-05:00

Standing there contemplating what to say in response to baby's question "Wha' dat?" as he pointed curiously at my uncovered bosom, I realized that I was at the beginning of a new and unpleasant stage in toddler development. On that day, I got out of it pretty easily by explaining that that was mommy's "chest." Generic, accurate, and completely unembarressing to say. But what about the harder things to come?

To me, "penis" and "vagina" sound like dirty words so count me out of the league of medically correct parents. I recently suggested the euphemism "thingie" to my husband, but he vetoed, suggesting the word carried with it some implication of shame. I agreed he had a point.

For the moment, I am at a complete loss and have the distinct feeling that I'm definitely running out of time.......

Buddhism for Babies?

2008-03-24T22:01:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know. I must be crazy. Teach a two year old to meditate? Where do I get these ideas? The problem is, I just know how! Needless to say, there's not a lot of info out there on Buddhist meditation for two-year-olds. Tonight was my first attempt, and here is how it went down.

Baby was whining because I wouldn't let him watch the "teetee" (ie television). So, I asked him if he wanted to meditate. He readily agreed, having no idea what I was talking about. He probably thought "meditate" was the name of a new Teletubbies episode. Next, I went on line to find a Buddhist chant. I don't think I can start him off with the subtle concept of simply sitting still quieting his mind. I'm thinking I should start him with a chant and let him learn how to be still and focus on that.

I'll cut to the chase...he did NOT sit still and get into chanting with me. Yet, the results were still kind of fun and interesting. I found an audio of the Buddhist chant Sabbe satte suhki huntu (may all living things have peace) and as it played he almost immediately stopped fussing. He started laughing and being playfully mischievous.

I sang the chant off and on for the next hour before bedtime and he quickly picked up the first word of it and sings it. So, I'm going to keep trying. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open!

Baby's first hang up

2008-02-01T13:52:00.000-06:00

I believe we have officially given our child his first hang up. When wiping him off during diaper changes we often say "ewww." After a while, whenever his diaper was off, he started gesturing towards his penis and sayaing "ewwww, ewwwww."

Horrified that we had inadvertantly taught him that his privates were "ewww," I tried to reprogram him. Every time he did it, I wold counter with "No, not ewwwww. It's good. It's clean. Mmm, good." The very first time I succeeded in getting him to respond to that, I realized I'd made a worse mistake. There he was, pulling on his member, saying "mmm, good" over and over.

I had already been worrying about what everyone at daycare was going to think of him pointing down at his thing and saying "ewww." Well, what exactly are they going to think that we are doing with our kid when he shows up next time touching himself and saying "Mmm good" ???

Puppy Breath

2008-01-16T20:19:00.000-06:00

I don't know what, exactly, this "baby smell" is that connoisseurs and fanatics wax eloquently about. I see them burrowing their noses through the hair of infants, inhaling deeply with a look of contentment and wonder.

For a very long time after my baby's birth all I could smell on him was... well... birth. It smelled like flesh. It smelled raw. For a long time afterward, I smelled like that too and I did not like it. I do not mean to say that my baby's smell repulsed me. Only, that he smelled to me like what he was. A person newly made of flesh and blood.

A friend of mine suggested that the "baby smell" people rave about is really the perfume of the powders and shampoos we use on them.

Now the baby is almost two and, oddly, he has indeed developed a smell that I have become very attached to, that I even long for sometimes. He has snot breath. I hate snot, it's completely gross, yet his sour little breath of milk and mucous has me totally enthralled. I can only compare it to the guilty pleasure of enjoying the peepee smell of a puppy's breath in your face.

Sometimes I think

2008-01-16T20:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I think this blog is too tame. It seems like, no matter what, you can't help but imagine the person reading your words and fear their judgement or criticism. Does part of me always imagine transcripts of my blog being proffered into evidence during some hypothetical custody hearing with DHS? Surely DHS has better things to do than worry about whether or not I'm too lazy to put moisturizer on my baby's face rash every time he needs it. I mean, sometimes I just don't want to have to get up off the couch.

Prom Night

2007-12-26T16:31:00.001-06:00

Our work place had an appreciation dinner for our volunteers and we decided to make the theme of the party "Prom Night." Here I am with my date enjoying a stolen moment of whispered conversation....

Christmas riddle

2007-12-14T13:09:00.000-06:00

Question: What do babies do at wild company Christmas parties?

Answer: Mess with the copy machine the same as adults.

Halloween 2008

2007-12-08T13:03:00.000-06:00

The baby went as a Burmese Buddhist monk. We shaved his head because we figured this would be the last year we could do that without him refusing. But, if he lets us next year, we'll shave it again and make him Nosferatu!

Lil' Lexicon

2007-11-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

It is very sobering to be humbled by a plastic $9.95 toy phone. Here you have been mesmerized by your child’s every new word, thinking him so clever, so quick, so unique. Then, you come across this language skills building phone, press the buttons and hear those words that have become so familiar to you. Ball, car, baby…. I guess they must all start with those. Then you notice the words on there that your baby is NOT saying and you think “oh my gosh, I need to start teaching him how to say duck. Why doesn’t he say duck yet?”

Baby’s Current Lexicon at 19 months old

Words he says all the time:

Baby: Used to refer to himself or his stuffed animals. Sometimes used to refer to his father or me, as in he points to one of us, says “baby” and laughs hysterically.
Mommy, Mamma, Mimi: Mother.
Ma: Either means mother or milk.
Dadda: Daddy.
da DA!: Meaning unknown. Perhaps indicates excitement or interest in something.
Car: Cars, gears, machines, anything with wheels, ceiling fans.
Ball: Ball.
Moo: The sound of cows, pigs and sheep.
Yellow: This is a new one. It’s the first color he’s learned to say and it’s interesting because he has always seemed to favor yellow. The placement of his tongue for the ELL sound is, admittedly, still a little unorthodox.
No: Hell no.
NooOoo: Oh my, but you simply mustn’t do that.
Hi: Greetings.
Hello: Greetings (used primarily when he’s on the phone)
Bye: Fare thee well.
Juice: Juice, soda, beer.
Uh Oh: I’ve dropped something; I’ve seen something on the floor that looks like someone might have dropped it there at some time; I’ve thrown my truck across the room (narrowly missing your head) and would like you to go pick it up for me.
Tractor: one of his first, now rarely used since the discovery of “car.”
Oww: (meow) Cat.
Shoes: Shoes.
Bath: Bath.
Tree: Tree.

American Sign Language words: milk, ball, bird, hungry, water.

Words he says infrequently: tickle, light, clock, down.

Words his father says he has heard him say: ABCs (not A – Z, but literally “a-bee-sees”), castle, grandma, zebra, bird, truck, yogurt, banana, balloon.

My Reader's Digest Moment

2007-10-15T22:05:00.000-05:00

Don’t we all just love it when our children scream and grab for the phone every time we try to talk on it? Yes, it’s cute, but it sure can be distracting! Here’s a little trick I tried on Junior that I think really taught him a lesson.

“Ring! Ring!” I said loudly and picked up the phone. My little dumpling immediately began grappling for the receiver.

“Oh, uh huh, yeah…. hmmm….,” I murmured earnestly. Now the baby was clawing at my eyes.

“Yes, I see…” Was that a toy tractor that just hit me upside the head? “Well, okay then, thanks for calling.”

I hung up the phone and turned towards Nathaniel very somberly. “Baby,” I said, “that was God. He told me to tell you that…HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU!!!!”

Crib Recall

2007-10-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

Oh the irony. We specifically purchased a new crib, rather than considering a used or hand me down one, because everything you read warns of the importance of having one that has been damaged and meets the latest safety standards. The Aspen 3 in 1 (i.e. Wal-mart’s most attractive cheap crib) was recalled partly because of faulty hardware and also because it is easy to attach the drop side upside down. This can cause it to mess up and make a gap that the baby can get stuck in. Needless to say, I ran straight to the crib tonight and checked it out. Thank you, hubby, for putting it together perfectly! And, the hardware checked out as well.

But, you can’t help thinking about the two families known to have lost their babies because of this issue. A 9-month old and a 6-month old. It breaks my heart to imagine those couples happily putting their cribs together for their new babies, and then that moment turning so tragic some months later.

To this day, while on road trips with my mother, she warns me about what I should do if we got into trouble. ”Now, theoretically, if we get abducted, I want you to run if you get a chance,” she’ll tell me. “Don’t try to stick around and save me, just get out of there.” I nod, and say, “yeah, sure, mom,” thinking to myself that she’s nuts. What does she mean get out of there and leave her? Now, though, I’m starting to get it. Imagining something bad happening to your kid is beyond horrible.

Things that make you go...ewwwww

2007-09-08T22:14:00.000-05:00

1. You stop your baby in the act of putting something in his mouth, discover it’s a full, blood-bloated tick, and wonder how many times has he done this before??

2. Hearing yourself say, “Okay, Baby, new rule. No more getting your snot in my mouth.”

3. Smiling as you spin your happy, laughing baby round and round like a flying super hero…then realizing you are slowly but surely being wrapped in a spider web made of the long, silvery strings of drool coming from his mouth.

The One Ring

2007-09-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

I have a friend who wears a replica of The One Ring to Unite Them All. The legend, as I far as I understand the Lord of the Rings, claims that it is the little piece of jewelry that selects its master, not the other way around, and it will stay with its chosen one until it is ready to move on.

Sitting outside with my baby, my friend’s ring suddenly fell off of her finger, something it had never done before, and rolled across the ground straight to Nathaniel.

Now, I'm not saying he's the "One True King," or the "Chosen One" or even the "Dark Lord." I leave you, Gentle Reader, to draw your own conclusions.

Baby's First Felony

2007-06-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

On vacation at Petit Jean, Arkansas

An idea is born...

Getting Grandma's keys was the easy part.

Trying not to leave fingerprints.

Almost there...

This is the face of no remorse.

Stomach Flu?

2007-06-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

Baby's been sick for a week! He seems to be slowly getting better, although he's still fussy and, when faced with the smallest inconvenience, erupts into a car alarm combination of rage and grief. At one point, I was actually frightened that he had suddenly lost the use of his legs...then realized that dragging himself around the floor and screaming was just another variation on the "rage and grief" thing.

One of the few times this week that he seemed comfortable and more or less "content" was when Daddy set him down in front of the tv to watch the 1979 musical Hair. Aside from a short nap while The Tribe drove from New York City to Nevada, he actually sat there entranced (or fevered) and watched that entire movie.

One Year Old! (Two months ago....)

2007-05-20T21:37:00.000-05:00

I have not been blogging because I thought that there was no way I could add anything more until I got his One Year Birthday pictures posted. Unfortunately, the task of getting the pictures off of my camera and onto the computer seemed an oppressingly insurmountable task.... But at last, it is done!

Birthday Highlights

Theme: Pingu
Guests: Toddlers and their parents
Snacks: Strawberries in chocolate “penguin suits,” pigs in blankets, hummus and a goldfish cracker fountain set at kid level so they could dig in at will
Beverages: juice boxes and mimosas

First Haircut

2007-01-24T20:29:00.000-06:00

You may note the highly receded hairline in this picture and wonder "Why does this little lad need a haircut?"

But closer examination will reveal the rattail extensions protruding over the baby's ears.

Lori sneaks up from behind with the scissors. This hairdresser extraordinaire was instrumental in teaching him to hold his own bottle, but how will she handle coaxing him into his first haircut?

Hmmm...so far so good....

In fact, I think he actually likes it...

His "after" shot. The new air of sophistication and savoir faire about him is undeniable.

Ultimate Novelty Toy

2007-01-05T18:53:00.000-06:00

Recently I realized that I am addicted to Novelty. I love getting involved in a new interest, purchasing all the required tools, feeling the thrill of expectation and adventure as I look visualize my whole new life as a painter of watercolors, a gardener, a cabinetmaker.

So many things are most fun when just imagined. After a few tries at it, it’s all of a sudden routine, just one of the things that you do – in fact, something that you have to do because you’ve invested all of this money and time in it already, and you don’t want to be a quitter, and finally it becomes just a chore to dread.

What a gift it is, then, to have a baby around. Each morning they wake up another day older and with some new talent or trick, sometimes small, other times startling. Is there a single day that they are not novel?

How we met Dr. Cornelius

2006-11-25T18:51:00.000-06:00

So I let the baby knock two heavy clay mixing bowls onto his head. I am such a freaking amateur! I never imagined he’d be capable. They had been sitting on the bottom of an open shelf about 5 inches off the floor, but their size and weight seemed to put them out of the category of anything he could effectively manipulate. I was putting his bottles into the diaper bag and set him down right at my feet on the kitchen floor. At the first sound of jiggling crockery I had turned and was grabbing him, lifting him up to safety as the bowls splintered into large, thick shards on the linoleum.

Thinking we had escaped unscathed, I gaped wordlessly as I watched his face pull into a frozen, totally silent expression of wailing. Finally, he sucked in a deep breath and….WAAAAaaaaahhhhh! Apparently, as the bowls tipped, they clocked him on the side of the head and a nice little bump was already forming.

Poor kid. He’s such a little toughie, though. He got over it pretty quickly and we had a fabulous long walk downtown and he got a certain new toy we like to call Dr. Cornelius. We found the doctor at the puppet hut that sits beside the Indian Restaraunt downtown. I had been dying to go there for some time and was happily admiring the vast array of unique puppets when I noticed Nathaniel continually looking in one direction and laughing. Finally I sought out the object of his interest. A blunt faced, fleshy pawed, crazy eyed monkey.

I tried to convince the baby that there were many other, finer, choices. I stuck policeman puppets and nurse puppets in his face, trying to coax a smile. He'd only regard me with a bemused look that seemed to say, "So very amusing, mumma. I'm glad you enjoy playing with your puppets. Now, about that fabulous monkey over there...."

And, I had let him knock a bunch of bowls on his head. My fate was sealed. Dr. Cornelius was destined to become part of our family. Now, I look at him and realize my initial reaction had been too hasty. He really is a very handsome puppet. He speaks with a broad, friendly English accent and is a respected member of the faculty at Oxford. Sometimes, when he's in a very serious mood or, if he has a second glass of brandy, he'll tell us about the dark time when he lived at the Laboratory.

Shipwrecked Morning

2006-11-23T18:52:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to keep this new foundering ship that is now your life afloat, you inevitably end up with your stern stuck up your bow.

It had been a long night. First, I stayed up too late watching a DVD. Probably foolish, but on a tight schedule you grab the good times where you can! Once I called it a night I then had to crawl out of bed several times at the baby’s cry. He doesn’t require much during these late night rendezvous, just help finding his bunny and his pacifier, but you still have to wake up enough to go lurching around through the dark with one eye half open, trying your best to make your tormented moans sound like loving words of comfort for the child’s sake. Then you find your way back to bed to try to fall asleep again.

Eventually, of course, dawn slammed through his curtainless windows and he was rocking and rolling and my day had officially begun. Later that morning, while feeding the baby a bottle, I fell into a fitful, cold, uncomfortable sleep on the living room floor. I did not wake until a growing feeling of doom filled me and the following mantra pulsed through my brain – Get up and look at a clock, get up and look at a clock…

Reluctantly, I sat up and felt the full weight of my disaster. First, my Aunt Flo (you know, “Aunt Flo,” wink wink) had come to visit and made a mess of the clothes I was wearing. Second, the baby’s diaper was full of poop. Third, I was due to work a 9 hour shift and hadn’t made anything yet to bring along for my lunch. And, I only had about 20 minutes to get out the door.

Whatta ya gonna do? Call work, sheepishly explain you are going to be a “little late” and then thank the stars that you have a boss who, after ascertaining that everything is alright, says she’ll see you when she sees you.

Lie to me and tell me it gets easier!

Halloween Rainforest

2006-11-05T18:01:00.000-06:00

Walking among the trick or treaters Halloween night it occurred to me that the crowd swirling about us in the dark was very much like the different levels of a tropical rainforest. The rainforest, from top to bottom, includes the emergents, the canopy, the understory and the forest floor. Each stratum comprises its own ecological niche containing species of animals unique to that one level. Riding on my hip, his head bobbing just below my chin, my baby occupied the Halloween canopy layer, passing other babies on other hips, all of them sharing the same stratum together. Bumblebees and ducks and carebears floated by one another in their own, separate world, grinning and cooing at each other. Parents' faces, at the top emergent layer, smiled greetings as the older kids terrorized the understory and toddlers walked and tripped awkwardly along the forest floor of All Hallow's Eve.

My little guy was a duck and I was suppose to be a scary New Orleans' voodoo priestess. I think he looks better!

It's hitting the fan now!

2006-10-21T16:46:00.000-05:00

I finally let go and gave the boy the chance to totally eat on his own. Handing him a bowl and a spoon, I just stood back and let the &#%!* (ie, the pureed squash) hit the fan!

September Bottle Bullets

2006-10-03T19:24:00.000-05:00

Baby's first visit to the park and first swing ride...he laughed so hard he couldn't catch his breath.

Baby succeeds at picking up spoon and inserting the correct end into his mouth.

Baby crawls!

August Bottle Bullets

2006-09-19T19:11:00.000-05:00

"Neck Flossing" - the new technique for getting the gummy milk residue out of the creases of his neck.

Only called the baby by the dog’s name three times this month.

Tried to open the car door with an oversized set of plastic keys.

I’m already jealous of his future girlfriends (or boyfriends, whichever the case may be).

Baby sat up for the first time.

Baby says his first words -- “Evolutionarily viable.” Just kidding!

Cuisine of interest: carrots, sweet potatoes, rice and oatmeal cereals.

Am I the Dingo?

2006-09-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

Talking with someone the other day, I happened to mention that my baby was so yummy I could just gobble him right up. I mean, really! He is positively scrumptious. Yum yum yum!

“Ewwww,” grimaced my friend. “That’s disgusting! You’re talking about eating your baby.”

Turning to an acquaintance standing nearby I begged for assistance. “Come on, you know what I mean, don’t you? Tell him. It’s perfectly normal to talk about your baby being delicious enough to eat.”

The innocent bystander stroked his long beard and considered. “Well,” he said seriously, “it’s actually just an abbreviated metaphor. I mean, what you’re really saying is that your baby is as wonderful as a bowl of ice cream and, as such, you could eat him.”

“Yes!” I cheered. “That’s it. An abbreviated metaphor. Well put!”

“But,” he added then, “it is most certainly the vestige of some kind of ancestral cannibalism.”

I have walked to the edge of the abyss and looked into the face of the dingo and the dingo was I.

Let it Be

2006-09-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

Is it the magic of anxiety meds or is it having a baby that seems to suddenly give me courage to do things I normally would not? I, who doesn’t even like going to the Post Office, now find myself eagerly jumping at the opportunity to go out and show my baby something new in the world that he hasn’t seen yet.

Last Saturday, the baby and I packed up the stroller and, even though we couldn’t find anyone who wanted to go with us, we struck out by ourselves to the park downtown and joined 200 other people to watch the Volkswagen parade and listen to Bluegrass music. He did, indeed, seemed intrigued with this new slice of the world I was sharing with him, all except for the hot little yellow VW cart that roared its engine and popped its wheels to the noisy delight of the crowd. The upside is that now when we go out, he doesn’t even cringe when a loud motorcycle revs past us. Apparently a Harley can’t touch a Volkswagen dune buggy when it comes to showing off!

A highlight of our outing was when we came across a very good friend of mine who was in the park playing his guitar. This friend was, well, how shall we say it? It seemed he had spent the day indulging in one of the more common vices. Okay, he was falling down drunk, but that did not hinder is eloquence over the beautiful new guitar he had just purchased the day before.

“Wow, is that maple?” I asked, admiring the gleaming finish and delicate inlay. He looked at me like I was talking a foreign language, promoted my baby to a Lieutenant Commander in Starfleet Command, and offered to play us a song.

Baby Nathaniel watched in utter fascination as the musician’s hand dragged heavily over the chords and his voice rang out with the harmony of a drunken pirate, and when he was finished with his tune he took off his straw hat and threw it like a challenge onto the ground in front of him.

“Got any money?” he asked the row of tourists sitting nearby. “I’m working hard over here, you know.”

The group shared a worried look with each other, but then smiled. One of them stood and started digging in his pocket. He pulled out a quarter and began to drop it in the hat, then hesitated. “If I give this to you will you play us another song?” the man asked in the generous tone you might use on a seven year old who’s playing street musician with a Parker Brother’s guitar

“Sure, but it’ll cost you more than a quarter,” growled my friend.

“Oh, um, well…!” sputtered the man uncertainly. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out all of his change. “How about 50 cents?”

The performer considered for a moment, yanking irritably at his unruly beard. “That’ll do!” he said with sudden cheer and then treated us all to a unique rendition of the Beatles’ “Let it Be.”

Life Lesson for baby: Never settle for the first offer.

Happy 4th of July

2006-07-04T19:22:00.000-05:00

We celebrated Independence Day by setting the little tyke on the road to his own eventual independence - his first meal eaten from a spoon!

June's Bottle Bullets

2006-07-01T20:46:00.000-05:00

The old Bronx Cheer! Yes, baby has learned to blow raspberries... on and on... all day long... neverending...

Cradle Cap report: improving!

Able to reach out and grab toys.

First mouth kiss from a cute one year old girl.

First mouth kiss from a cute two year old boy.

His favorite thing to hear you say: "Darrrrling, are you ready for your brrrrandy now?"

The dog has officially changed her sleeping place and now spends her nights on the floor right next to baby's crib.

The dog was busted with a secret stash that was found to include a used diaper and a baby bottle. Next I'll probably find some bizarre shrine she's erected to the baby hidden in a closet or under a bed.

Scary Clown Song

2006-06-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

One day, while trying to soothe my poor, screaming infant I landed upon this nonsensical song and it, combined with rhythmic marching around the house, worked like a charm. In the song, baby goes through the house asking various pieces of furniture and appliances if they have seen a clown. Each item answers back with some response vaguely connected with their function. The inspiration...a clown doll which, with the help of a black magic marker, leers with a menacing and naughty expression from the baby's cradle.

[Disclaimer: To date, no clown dolls have actually come to life and, possessed with evil, harmed any babies]

It's called "The Scary Clown Song" and it goes a little something like this...

I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Couch,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t sat on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Stairway,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t stepped on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Piano,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t played no clown
in this town today.

And so on and so forth....until you find the clown.

Feeding Frenzy

2006-06-10T16:59:00.000-05:00

Battle weary and sleep deprived, we find ourselves suddenly the leading stars of our only little Theatre of the Absurd....

Daddy: So, we should talk about the 4am feedings.

Mommy: What about them?

Daddy: Can we switch to you doing them for a while?

Mommy: I thought I was doing them.

Daddy: No, I've been doing them.

Mommy: I thought you were doing the 2am.

Daddy: I've been doing them both now for a couple of weeks.

Mommy: Nooo...I do the 4am.

Daddy: No you don't.

Mommy: What are you talking about? I know you did all of them when I was sick last weekend, but -

Daddy: I only started doing the 4am as a favor to you.

Mommy: What?!

Daddy: Because you were going back to work -

Mommy: That's not how it -

Daddy: I didn't plan to keep doing the 4am's permanently.

Mommy: Please, just let me say this all out. I just want to tell you how I understand it, then you can tell me where I'm wrong.

Daddy: Okay...

Mommy: First, I was doing the 2am and you were doing the 4am. Then we switched because I didn't want to do the first feeding any more. After a couple of days, you said how you didn't think it was fair to ME because he wasn't doing a 2am feeding anymore and so I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night.

Daddy: Yes, I did say that.

Mommy: So, if I don't do the 4am feeding, why would you have said that?

Daddy: You don't do the 4am, you do later in the morning. The 2am became the 4am.

Mommy: Well, a couple of times he's gone till 5 or 6am...

Daddy: Right, and I've been doing all the ones before that.

Mommy: You mean he's been feeding at 2 and 4 and I haven't been doing one until, like, 5am?

Daddy: Yes.

Mommy: Well, I didn't know that! I thought we were trading off. I thought you were doing the first feeding and I was doing the second. I didn't know you were doing all of them now. You said he wasn't doing his first feeding any more...

Daddy: Well, I mean, he does one somewhere between 2 and 4. Sometimes it's 3am. But I call all of that the 4am feeding.

Mommy: Oh, okay! You're calling the first feeding the 4am feeding.

Daddy: No, it's the 4am one.

Mommy: Okay, but it's the first one of the night now.

Daddy: Do you really not understand this!?

Mommy: Don't get mad! I really don't. I'm not trying to piss you off. All I'm asking is if you are calling the 4am feeding the "first" feeding.

Daddy: Yes!!

Mommy: Okay, so what you're saying is that you want me to take back over doing the first feeding at night.

Daddy: Yes. I only started doing that to make it easier on -

Mommy: All right. I thought we switched because I didn't like doing the first feeding and we thought it would be easier for you to do it because you get home late. But, you're saying that didn't really work out for you.

Daddy: Right. I don't like doing it either.

Mommy: Okay, so I'll go back to doing the first one again. If the first feeding is 4am now, I don't care. That won't bother me.

Daddy: It's just that I only meant to do it for a little while...

Mommy: Fine, I'm telling you I don't care. I'll do the 4am.

Daddy: Fine!

Mommy: Fine!!

(Followed by 24 hours of mutual silent treatment)

Name the Hazards

2006-06-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, the "baby in the sink" picture. But, can you name all of the potential hazards in this time honored tradition?

Answers:

A. Wok right over baby's head.
B. Dangerous potato "masher."
C. Baby Wash (warning from label: "safety tip: keep out of reach of children") .
D. Knife. Need I say more?
E. Old scrub brush that should have been discarded last year. Check out the wear on those bristles! What civilizations of microscopic creatures inhabit this?!
F. Dirty dishes.
G. Hot water tap.

[DISCLAIMER: NO BABIES WERE ACTUALLY HARMED IN THE TAKING OF THIS PHOTOGRAPH]

Where's Baby?

2006-05-27T23:44:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in this photo is a baby! Can you find him?

Britney Litany

2006-05-23T20:01:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap - that's bad.

Britney driving with her car seat facing the wrong way - bad, but please remember that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that up to 82% of car seats are incorrectly installed, so she's hardly alone on that one, unfortunately.

Britney's nanny dropping her baby on it's head - okay, that sounds potentially a little weird, but I wasn't there...

But Britney Spears almost dropping her child because she caught the hem of her pants in her sandles? Oh, come on! Who could pick on her for that? I say: good save, Britney!

May's Bottle Bullets

2006-05-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

I have developed the habit of biting my nails.

My baby looks unnervingly like Jabba the Hut when he tucks his chin and probes the air with his little, pointed tongue.

Unable to cope with life's new time constraints, I have cut off all of my hair. They know me on the streets now as "The Little Yeshiva Boy."

Hygiene problem of the month: trying to keep the milk out of the creases of his fat little neck.

Natty Grey passes his 2 month check up with flying colors - has doubled in weight and grown 4 inches. He's finally big enough to fit into "newborn" size!

Cradle crap persists...

Baby learns to smile.

Diaper Doubletake

2006-05-20T20:07:00.000-05:00

I file this under the "how tired was I?" category.

One time, during the first month with the new baby, when I was getting dressed, I slipped on my undies and set off to get one of the small, absorbent pads that are necessary to wear for while after having a baby and which I kept in a cupboard in the bathroom.

NEXT THING I KNEW...

...I was standing in the bedroom next to the changing table with little memory of how I got there. I looked down and realized that I was in the process of attempting to fit a baby’s diaper into my underpants! The only thing that jarred me back into reality was my confusion over what to do with the adhesive tabs.

So, in short: I was so tired I tried to put on a diaper!!

Rub a Dub Doodie

2006-05-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

Nathaniel’s cord took 3 weeks to fall off and so, by that time, I was really eager to give him his first full bath. However, in my delirious and sleep deprived state, I decided that there was no way I could learn how to use his new tub right then - I mean, How do you fill it? How do you empty it? These things seemed insurmountable to me and so I decided I would just put him in the tub with me while I took a bath.

"What’s the worse that could happen?" I asked my self. "He’ll pee on me? Big deal!"

What I failed to consider was the poop factor. Specifically, what exactly happens to loose poop when it comes in contact with warm water.

The first thing amiss that I noticed was a small, yellow speck floating by that I thought must be a fuzzy off of the yellow washcloth I was using. Within moments, however, the tub was filled with what looked like little crumbs of old, scrambled eggs. Nathaniel was pooping and it was quickly dissolving into the bath water. With rising horror, I looked down at him and imagined the scene that was undoubtedly taking place underwater as he continued to empty his bowels into my naked lap. Not wishing to embarrass the little guy, I very nonchalantly stood up from what had become, essentially, a giant toilet bowl and tossed the baby onto a towel I had waiting on the bathroom floor.

Urgently, I turned on the showerhead only to discover that there was no hot water left. I washed off as best I could in the cool water and then felt a sudden pang of guilt as I remembered the child I’d left lying on the floor wet and in the process of pooping.

I need not have worried.

Throwing open the shower curtain I discovered that the dog had come in and was busily taking care of cleaning the baby’s poopy butt for me.

Needless to say, I used the baby bathtub next time.

Disclaimers

1990-01-02T16:18:00.000-06:00

I.
Please be advised that any allusions to child abuse or neglect, be it benign or criminal, are meant as one of the following

a. satire
b. self deprecating humor
c. shock value
d. humorous exaggeration
e. black humor aimed at objectifying or providing distance from what is, in reality, a stressful or traumatic subject

example 1. I tossed my baby onto the towel. In this case the operative word "tossed" is used as a humorous exaggeration as I, in reality, really just placed the baby onto the towel in a very hurried fashion.

example 2. The baby was so naughty that I shook him! To date I have not actually used this line, but if I had it would probably have been an "a," a "c" or an "e."

II.
Pollyanna Alerts may be declared in any of the following situations, or as otherwise deemed necessary by blog author:

a. when a reader leaves a comment on the blog that reveals that they have not read, or do not understand, article I of the disclaimers.

b. when a reader confuses political incorrectness with evidence of a corrupted soul or unstable psyche.

example. Joking about shaking babies is wrong. Don't you know that shaken baby syndrome is a real tragedy? You disgust me! You really need some serious help! Please see Article I Section (d) for further clarification.

III.

Dear Department of Human Services,

If I should say anything in my blog along the lines of...

So I gave my baby a knife to play with...

So I forgot my baby was on the car roof...

So I had to scrape moldy barnacles out of the kitchen sink before I could rinse his bottles...

So the kid's always yelling for attention when he's in the tub and I'm downstairs on the phone...

So my baby walked into the bar and said...

Please understand that I'm just kidding. Thank you in advance for your understanding.

IV.

Sometimes I write this stuff late at night and don't really know what I'm saying.

MISSION STATEMENT

1990-01-01T16:10:00.000-06:00

___________________________
#1. I love my baby.
#2. What fresh hell is this?
_________________________________

As I sit here for the first time trying to begin my "baby blog," I find myself repeatedly interrupted by the baby himself. I thought it would be cute to let him sit on my lap as I began my diary that's to be all about him. It was cute up until I detected that special eau de cologne du poopoo in the air and, looking down, saw that a nasty surprise was about to explode out of one of the legs of his diaper. But now, a quick change later, he is draped across my lap like the sleeping angel he's suppose to be. (For more on poop, check out Rub a Dub Doodie !)

There are three main things I'm trying to accomplish with this blog.

1. To keep interested parties up to date on what's new with the newborn.

2. To share some fun stories and observations from this very interesting time.

3. To shoot from the hip, cut through the !*&#%! and lay the cards on the table about the misadventures and misteps of new motherhood. Yes, sometimes I accidentally run my stroller into the bushes and, yes, I thought that the bib someone gave us was actually a fancy vest and would have made my newborn wear it as part of his outfit if my mother hadn't stopped me. Personally, I find it a joy and comfort when other mothers confide that they've done similar. I'm not certain I will have the courage to resist society's pressure to maintain the fiction that all of this is made effortless by the simple power of that "new baby smell," but I vow here today to try!