Scary Clown Song

One day, while trying to soothe my poor, screaming infant I landed upon this nonsensical song and it, combined with rhythmic marching around the house, worked like a charm. In the song, baby goes through the house asking various pieces of furniture and appliances if they have seen a clown. Each item answers back with some response vaguely connected with their function. The inspiration...a clown doll which, with the help of a black magic marker, leers with a menacing and naughty expression from the baby's cradle.

[Disclaimer: To date, no clown dolls have actually come to life and, possessed with evil, harmed any babies]

It's called "The Scary Clown Song" and it goes a little something like this...


I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Couch,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t sat on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Stairway,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t stepped on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Piano,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t played no clown
in this town today.

And so on and so forth....until you find the clown.

Feeding Frenzy

Battle weary and sleep deprived, we find ourselves suddenly the leading stars of our only little Theatre of the Absurd....

Daddy: So, we should talk about the 4am feedings.

Mommy: What about them?

Daddy: Can we switch to you doing them for a while?

Mommy: I thought I was doing them.

Daddy: No, I've been doing them.

Mommy: I thought you were doing the 2am.

Daddy: I've been doing them both now for a couple of weeks.

Mommy: Nooo...I do the 4am.

Daddy: No you don't.

Mommy: What are you talking about? I know you did all of them when I was sick last weekend, but -

Daddy: I only started doing the 4am as a favor to you.

Mommy: What?!

Daddy: Because you were going back to work -

Mommy: That's not how it -

Daddy: I didn't plan to keep doing the 4am's permanently.

Mommy: Please, just let me say this all out. I just want to tell you how I understand it, then you can tell me where I'm wrong.

Daddy: Okay...

Mommy: First, I was doing the 2am and you were doing the 4am. Then we switched because I didn't want to do the first feeding any more. After a couple of days, you said how you didn't think it was fair to ME because he wasn't doing a 2am feeding anymore and so I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night.

Daddy: Yes, I did say that.

Mommy: So, if I don't do the 4am feeding, why would you have said that?

Daddy: You don't do the 4am, you do later in the morning. The 2am became the 4am.

Mommy: Well, a couple of times he's gone till 5 or 6am...

Daddy: Right, and I've been doing all the ones before that.

Mommy: You mean he's been feeding at 2 and 4 and I haven't been doing one until, like, 5am?

Daddy: Yes.

Mommy: Well, I didn't know that! I thought we were trading off. I thought you were doing the first feeding and I was doing the second. I didn't know you were doing all of them now. You said he wasn't doing his first feeding any more...

Daddy: Well, I mean, he does one somewhere between 2 and 4. Sometimes it's 3am. But I call all of that the 4am feeding.

Mommy: Oh, okay! You're calling the first feeding the 4am feeding.

Daddy: No, it's the 4am one.

Mommy: Okay, but it's the first one of the night now.

Daddy: Do you really not understand this!?

Mommy: Don't get mad! I really don't. I'm not trying to piss you off. All I'm asking is if you are calling the 4am feeding the "first" feeding.

Daddy: Yes!!

Mommy: Okay, so what you're saying is that you want me to take back over doing the first feeding at night.

Daddy: Yes. I only started doing that to make it easier on -

Mommy: All right. I thought we switched because I didn't like doing the first feeding and we thought it would be easier for you to do it because you get home late. But, you're saying that didn't really work out for you.

Daddy: Right. I don't like doing it either.

Mommy: Okay, so I'll go back to doing the first one again. If the first feeding is 4am now, I don't care. That won't bother me.

Daddy: It's just that I only meant to do it for a little while...

Mommy: Fine, I'm telling you I don't care. I'll do the 4am.

Daddy: Fine!

Mommy: Fine!!

(Followed by 24 hours of mutual silent treatment)

Name the Hazards

Ahhh, the "baby in the sink" picture. But, can you name all of the potential hazards in this time honored tradition?

Answers:

A. Wok right over baby's head.
B. Dangerous potato "masher."
C. Baby Wash (warning from label: "safety tip: keep out of reach of children") .
D. Knife. Need I say more?
E. Old scrub brush that should have been discarded last year. Check out the wear on those bristles! What civilizations of microscopic creatures inhabit this?!
F. Dirty dishes.
G. Hot water tap.


[DISCLAIMER: NO BABIES WERE ACTUALLY HARMED IN THE TAKING OF THIS PHOTOGRAPH]