Disclaimers

I.
Please be advised that any allusions to child abuse or neglect, be it benign or criminal, are meant as one of the following

a. satire
b. self deprecating humor
c. shock value
d. humorous exaggeration
e. black humor aimed at objectifying or providing distance from what is, in reality, a stressful or traumatic subject

example 1. I tossed my baby onto the towel. In this case the operative word "tossed" is used as a humorous exaggeration as I, in reality, really just placed the baby onto the towel in a very hurried fashion.

example 2. The baby was so naughty that I shook him! To date I have not actually used this line, but if I had it would probably have been an "a," a "c" or an "e."

II.
Pollyanna Alerts may be declared in any of the following situations, or as otherwise deemed necessary by blog author:

a. when a reader leaves a comment on the blog that reveals that they have not read, or do not understand, article I of the disclaimers.

b. when a reader confuses political incorrectness with evidence of a corrupted soul or unstable psyche.

example. Joking about shaking babies is wrong. Don't you know that shaken baby syndrome is a real tragedy? You disgust me! You really need some serious help! Please see Article I Section (d) for further clarification.

III.

Dear Department of Human Services,

If I should say anything in my blog along the lines of...

So I gave my baby a knife to play with...

So I forgot my baby was on the car roof...

So I had to scrape moldy barnacles out of the kitchen sink before I could rinse his bottles...

So the kid's always yelling for attention when he's in the tub and I'm downstairs on the phone...

So my baby walked into the bar and said...

Please understand that I'm just kidding. Thank you in advance for your understanding.

IV.

Sometimes I write this stuff late at night and don't really know what I'm saying.

MISSION STATEMENT

___________________________
#1. I love my baby.
#2. What fresh hell is this?
_________________________________

As I sit here for the first time trying to begin my "baby blog," I find myself repeatedly interrupted by the baby himself. I thought it would be cute to let him sit on my lap as I began my diary that's to be all about him. It was cute up until I detected that special eau de cologne du poopoo in the air and, looking down, saw that a nasty surprise was about to explode out of one of the legs of his diaper. But now, a quick change later, he is draped across my lap like the sleeping angel he's suppose to be. (For more on poop, check out Rub a Dub Doodie !)

There are three main things I'm trying to accomplish with this blog.

1. To keep interested parties up to date on what's new with the newborn.

2. To share some fun stories and observations from this very interesting time.

3. To shoot from the hip, cut through the !*&#%! and lay the cards on the table about the misadventures and misteps of new motherhood. Yes, sometimes I accidentally run my stroller into the bushes and, yes, I thought that the bib someone gave us was actually a fancy vest and would have made my newborn wear it as part of his outfit if my mother hadn't stopped me. Personally, I find it a joy and comfort when other mothers confide that they've done similar. I'm not certain I will have the courage to resist society's pressure to maintain the fiction that all of this is made effortless by the simple power of that "new baby smell," but I vow here today to try!