At this point now.

Last May 2nd marked one year since my husband moved out. A month after the divorce was signed by the judge in March, he was all ready remarried and his new wife several months pregnant, and I will only spend one half of my child's Christmas's with him. All of that alone is enough to make my head spin, let alone the changes, learning experiences and emotions I've encountered each day of this last year. Which brings me to my point: what this blog feels like to me now.

It began, and remains, a place to chuckle and wonder over the challenges of being a new parent. Now, though, it is also a venue to explore and report on the ups and down of being a single mom. Surprisingly, there are a lot of ups. First and foremost, I had no idea how much I was capable of until I was thrown into this "pack leader" position. I'd been single before and had my own bills to pay, etc, but I'd not had a child depending on me, and a 100 year old house. and a mortgage, and no time. Ha, this is starting to sound like the down part! But it's not. It's hard to explain it without wanting to lean on cliche. I liken it sort of to having an awesome and expensive tool in your toolbox but never using it so you never even know if it works or if it was worth all that money. I feel like I've been taken out of the toolbox and put to use for the first time. A year ago, I didn't even realize that I was still in my original packaging, never yet unwrapped.

As much as I originally meant this blog as a way to update all my friends and family, I also imagined that perhaps, occasionally, some random new parent might happen to stumble upon it and that they might feel a comradarie in knowing that there are other moms and dads out there who are willing to admit they don't really know what they're doing! Now, I want to add in my mind that random single mom wandering across the page. I want to reassure her and tell her "take heart because you WILL kick ass."

I bring it on myself, I know.

So, last night I could not get him to stay in bed. I tried sitting in a chair in the room doing the trick of picking him up and putting him back into bed each time he got up, while also trying to resist getting into conversation with him or giving him any kind of "rewarding" attention. He twisted and sobbed on the bed, telling me he was scared and needed me in the bed with him.

I pondered over this today, wondering if my own weakness of wanting him to sleep with me was directly leading to this fear and inability to sleep alone. And perhaps so! But then tonight, out of the blue, he decides he wants to sleep downstairs all by himself as long as I leave a light on and turn on some music for him. He came up here once to ask me to sleep with him downstairs and when I said no, he went on back by himself.

Maybe he just couldn't bare to leave the room that held his new Lego Indiana Jones PS2 game. Buying that today was my brilliant inspiration on the way home from the dentist with a prescription for penicillin and lortab...I had a feeling I wasn't going to want to do much this evening! My plan worked purrrfectly and it's a two player game so I was able to lay on the couch and play with him, which is fun for both of us.

Sloppy bedtime rules

I'm contemplating changing our nighttime story reading routine. Instead of crawling into bed together, perhaps we could shift to doing it downstairs on the couch or in the big chair in the bedroom. Maybe I'll stop falling asleep at 8:00 PM that way.

Bedtime rules are all over the place right now. Particularly after the time change this year and there being daylight later.

Further, because I have no rules established, I can't easily send him to bed when company is over. On these nights, I'm completely ineffectual, allowing him to stay up until 10:00 PM or whenever he just conks out.

Okay, so I have to pick a time. And that time will begin with reading some stories NOT IN THE BED. And then I'll leave and the rule will be he has to stay in the bedroom. I'll start there. That will be enough of an epic battle to begin with.

Rites of Spring 2010

Nathaniel and I joined our god-family the Milams at the annual Rites of Spring camp out. Here are some pics...



They all look a little spooky in this one, but I swear they were not really so "children of the corn" as this image may lead one to believe...


He looks like an old 40's Hollywood man in this one to me...




My little monkey in the tent...







Ah, the glorious feeling of MUD!!!

Oh, Poopie, daaarling......

I fear this will bite me in the butt. Oops. I forgot. We say "tooshie" or "bootie" because apparently toddler boys throw the word butt around with the inflection of the coarsest sailor. Sad, because I've previously used butt as an endearing term of affection. "You silly butt, Oh look at your cute little butt, Get your butt out of my way," and well, I think my point is made.

Now, I don't dare say the butt word in front of Nathaniel for fear he'll go into preschool the next day challenging his little friends with such taunts as "stupid butt" and "smelly butt."

Oh, yeah, and speaking of "stupid," let me digress. Our household had to instate a rule with subclauses regarding that one. He can call objects stupid but not people or animals or anything remotely sentient. I, of course, use the word stupid to describe people all the time (even myself). But, I'd like to think my advanced age has given me the grace and maturity to know how to handle such a powerful adjective. Mostly, though, I just don't want him horrifying his teachers at school. That's what 85% of the language rules come down to. Do NOT say anything that will make your teachers frown upon you and and, by extension, ME!

So, you might sympathize with me this evening. I was tired and a little cranky, but my kid soon softened me up by being adorable. We were having fun playing and, in that vulnerable and compromised state, I allowed a new game to be introduced between us. He calls me Poopie and I call him PeePee. Oh, yes, yes....it was hysterical and we both laughed and laughed...yes, good times....

Until reality hit me and I was all ready seeing him clearly at school the next day. "Poopie! You're Poopie! Heeheehee. Poopie Poopie PeePee. You're PeePee."

Reacting swiftly, I sat my son down and had the very surreal conversation with him about the "you're PeePee and I'm Poopie" being our private game that we only play at home. Which seems potentially a little creepy or weird.

The Gentleman Prefers Blonds

Me: Do you think I'm pretty?

Him: Yes.

Me: Is there anyone prettier than me?

Him: Kendra.

Me: Is there anyone prettier than Kendra?

Him: Jacob!

Me: Jacob!?

Him: No, I'm just kidding.

Me: So Kendra is the prettiest, but I'm next prettiest, right?

Him: Yes. Who else is pretty?

Me: I don't know. That's for you to say. You tell me.

Him: Audrey's mom.

Me: I'm going to tell Kendra you said she's pretty.

Him: Tell Audrey's mom too.

Sweet Moment

Walking towards the car at school. Nathaniel stops and says, "I broke your red flower and I am so very sorry."
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I kneel down and ask him what he's talking about, had he made me a flower at school or something, what red flower did he mean?
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"No," he said. "I picked it from the garden on the playground but then I broke it on the trike."
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I gave him a hug and said, "Oh, honey, I love it that you thought of me today and picked me a flower and you know what? That's just as good as if you gave it to me. It doesn't matter that it broke."
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He paused and thought for a moment, then walked over to a dandelion, picked it and handed it to me.
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Warms a mommy's heart.

Birthday Yoda

When Nathaniel turned 4 in March I gave him a Yoda for his Birthday. The Jedi Master is enjoying total Rock Star status. I've all ready been forbidden to speak in any way disrespectfully to the Yoda. For example, last night I had the audacity to say "Yoda, could you please move over so that I can get into bed too?" Apparently, I was pretty much completely out of line.

A video of their first meeting can be found below....