Scary Clown Song

One day, while trying to soothe my poor, screaming infant I landed upon this nonsensical song and it, combined with rhythmic marching around the house, worked like a charm. In the song, baby goes through the house asking various pieces of furniture and appliances if they have seen a clown. Each item answers back with some response vaguely connected with their function. The inspiration...a clown doll which, with the help of a black magic marker, leers with a menacing and naughty expression from the baby's cradle.

[Disclaimer: To date, no clown dolls have actually come to life and, possessed with evil, harmed any babies]

It's called "The Scary Clown Song" and it goes a little something like this...


I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Couch,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t sat on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Stairway,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t stepped on no clown
in this town today.

Chorus:
I’m walkin’ roun’ town
Lookin’ for a clown
Won’t give up
Till that clown is found.

Mr. Piano,
Have you seen a clown?
Have you seen a clown
Walkin’ roun’ this town?

Mr. Nathaniel,
Nathaniel Grey,
I ain’t played no clown
in this town today.

And so on and so forth....until you find the clown.

Feeding Frenzy

Battle weary and sleep deprived, we find ourselves suddenly the leading stars of our only little Theatre of the Absurd....

Daddy: So, we should talk about the 4am feedings.

Mommy: What about them?

Daddy: Can we switch to you doing them for a while?

Mommy: I thought I was doing them.

Daddy: No, I've been doing them.

Mommy: I thought you were doing the 2am.

Daddy: I've been doing them both now for a couple of weeks.

Mommy: Nooo...I do the 4am.

Daddy: No you don't.

Mommy: What are you talking about? I know you did all of them when I was sick last weekend, but -

Daddy: I only started doing the 4am as a favor to you.

Mommy: What?!

Daddy: Because you were going back to work -

Mommy: That's not how it -

Daddy: I didn't plan to keep doing the 4am's permanently.

Mommy: Please, just let me say this all out. I just want to tell you how I understand it, then you can tell me where I'm wrong.

Daddy: Okay...

Mommy: First, I was doing the 2am and you were doing the 4am. Then we switched because I didn't want to do the first feeding any more. After a couple of days, you said how you didn't think it was fair to ME because he wasn't doing a 2am feeding anymore and so I was the only one getting up in the middle of the night.

Daddy: Yes, I did say that.

Mommy: So, if I don't do the 4am feeding, why would you have said that?

Daddy: You don't do the 4am, you do later in the morning. The 2am became the 4am.

Mommy: Well, a couple of times he's gone till 5 or 6am...

Daddy: Right, and I've been doing all the ones before that.

Mommy: You mean he's been feeding at 2 and 4 and I haven't been doing one until, like, 5am?

Daddy: Yes.

Mommy: Well, I didn't know that! I thought we were trading off. I thought you were doing the first feeding and I was doing the second. I didn't know you were doing all of them now. You said he wasn't doing his first feeding any more...

Daddy: Well, I mean, he does one somewhere between 2 and 4. Sometimes it's 3am. But I call all of that the 4am feeding.

Mommy: Oh, okay! You're calling the first feeding the 4am feeding.

Daddy: No, it's the 4am one.

Mommy: Okay, but it's the first one of the night now.

Daddy: Do you really not understand this!?

Mommy: Don't get mad! I really don't. I'm not trying to piss you off. All I'm asking is if you are calling the 4am feeding the "first" feeding.

Daddy: Yes!!

Mommy: Okay, so what you're saying is that you want me to take back over doing the first feeding at night.

Daddy: Yes. I only started doing that to make it easier on -

Mommy: All right. I thought we switched because I didn't like doing the first feeding and we thought it would be easier for you to do it because you get home late. But, you're saying that didn't really work out for you.

Daddy: Right. I don't like doing it either.

Mommy: Okay, so I'll go back to doing the first one again. If the first feeding is 4am now, I don't care. That won't bother me.

Daddy: It's just that I only meant to do it for a little while...

Mommy: Fine, I'm telling you I don't care. I'll do the 4am.

Daddy: Fine!

Mommy: Fine!!

(Followed by 24 hours of mutual silent treatment)

Name the Hazards

Ahhh, the "baby in the sink" picture. But, can you name all of the potential hazards in this time honored tradition?

Answers:

A. Wok right over baby's head.
B. Dangerous potato "masher."
C. Baby Wash (warning from label: "safety tip: keep out of reach of children") .
D. Knife. Need I say more?
E. Old scrub brush that should have been discarded last year. Check out the wear on those bristles! What civilizations of microscopic creatures inhabit this?!
F. Dirty dishes.
G. Hot water tap.


[DISCLAIMER: NO BABIES WERE ACTUALLY HARMED IN THE TAKING OF THIS PHOTOGRAPH]

Where's Baby?

Somewhere in this photo is a baby! Can you find him?

Britney Litany

Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap - that's bad.

Britney driving with her car seat facing the wrong way - bad, but please remember that the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that up to 82% of car seats are incorrectly installed, so she's hardly alone on that one, unfortunately.

Britney's nanny dropping her baby on it's head - okay, that sounds potentially a little weird, but I wasn't there...

But Britney Spears almost dropping her child because she caught the hem of her pants in her sandles? Oh, come on! Who could pick on her for that? I say: good save, Britney!

May's Bottle Bullets

I have developed the habit of biting my nails.



My baby looks unnervingly like Jabba the Hut when he tucks his chin and probes the air with his little, pointed tongue.


Unable to cope with life's new time constraints, I have cut off all of my hair. They know me on the streets now as "The Little Yeshiva Boy."


Hygiene problem of the month: trying to keep the milk out of the creases of his fat little neck.


Natty Grey passes his 2 month check up with flying colors - has doubled in weight and grown 4 inches. He's finally big enough to fit into "newborn" size!

Cradle crap persists...



Baby learns to smile.

Diaper Doubletake

I file this under the "how tired was I?" category.

One time, during the first month with the new baby, when I was getting dressed, I slipped on my undies and set off to get one of the small, absorbent pads that are necessary to wear for while after having a baby and which I kept in a cupboard in the bathroom.

NEXT THING I KNEW...

...I was standing in the bedroom next to the changing table with little memory of how I got there. I looked down and realized that I was in the process of attempting to fit a baby’s diaper into my underpants! The only thing that jarred me back into reality was my confusion over what to do with the adhesive tabs.

So, in short: I was so tired I tried to put on a diaper!!

Rub a Dub Doodie

Nathaniel’s cord took 3 weeks to fall off and so, by that time, I was really eager to give him his first full bath. However, in my delirious and sleep deprived state, I decided that there was no way I could learn how to use his new tub right then - I mean, How do you fill it? How do you empty it? These things seemed insurmountable to me and so I decided I would just put him in the tub with me while I took a bath.

"What’s the worse that could happen?" I asked my self. "He’ll pee on me? Big deal!"

What I failed to consider was the poop factor. Specifically, what exactly happens to loose poop when it comes in contact with warm water.

The first thing amiss that I noticed was a small, yellow speck floating by that I thought must be a fuzzy off of the yellow washcloth I was using. Within moments, however, the tub was filled with what looked like little crumbs of old, scrambled eggs. Nathaniel was pooping and it was quickly dissolving into the bath water. With rising horror, I looked down at him and imagined the scene that was undoubtedly taking place underwater as he continued to empty his bowels into my naked lap. Not wishing to embarrass the little guy, I very nonchalantly stood up from what had become, essentially, a giant toilet bowl and tossed the baby onto a towel I had waiting on the bathroom floor.

Urgently, I turned on the showerhead only to discover that there was no hot water left. I washed off as best I could in the cool water and then felt a sudden pang of guilt as I remembered the child I’d left lying on the floor wet and in the process of pooping.

I need not have worried.

Throwing open the shower curtain I discovered that the dog had come in and was busily taking care of cleaning the baby’s poopy butt for me.

Needless to say, I used the baby bathtub next time.